Acceptance

QUESTION: I listen to teachings that tell me to accept whatever happens and just get on with my life, but I don't understand. How can I accept something that causes me emotional or physical pain?

ANSWER: The problem with "accepting" something is due to the many meanings given to this word in English. Most problematic is the meaning of "to tolerate or submit to something unpleasant or undesired." Adding to the problem is the meaning of "to receive something as adequate, valid, or suitable." And an unspoken, but extremely common meaning given to this word is "to let something you don't like hang around forever."

Naturally, these meanings make the idea of acceptance sound like stupidity. Who in their right mind would want to do that, unless you "accept" a philosophy of predestination or unchangeable fate.

So, why would a teacher (me, for instance) recommend that you accept whatever happens and move on? This is based on another meaning of the word: "to take upon oneself a responsibility or liability." This does not mean to take responsibility for it happening, it means taking responsibility for doing something about it.

Some people prefer to use the word "acknowledge" instead of "accept," but the implication is different. You can acknowledge something without doing anything about it, but if you accept it in the meaning just given, doing something about it is the next related step.

There are two things you can do about something, once you have accepted its existence:

1. Consciously change the situation, if you can. You cannot control any situation, but you can always change something about the situation You may not be able to change the whole thing, but the more knowledge, skill, energy and persistence you can bring to bear on it, the more effective your efforts will be.

2. Conscious change yourself. This means to stop resisting the situation (ongoing emotional or physical resistance makes anything harder to change), get centered in the present moment, and keep a focus on what you want, instead of on what you don't want. To the degree you can do this, magic happens. In other words, situations have a very strong tendency to change themselves when you stop resisting them and hold a positive focus of intent or desire.

Child Discipline

QUESTION: What can I do to discipline my five-year-old daughter who learned terrible habits from my ex?

ANSWER: The most important thing to remember is that she is a five-year-old human being. As a human being her most basic non-physical needs are for acceptance and effectiveness. To the degree that these needs are filled from her point of view she will be in harmony with her environment. If she doesn't get enough acceptance she will try to replace it with effectiveness (usually as "power plays," "control tricks," or over-achievement). If she doesn't feel effective enough she will try to replace this with being more acceptable (submissive, dependent, or emotionally manipulative are usual ways). As a five-year-old she doesn't have a lot of experience to work with, so she will copy behavior learned from the other parent, from other children, and from television. The behavior she will learn best is that which helps her get what she wants, but she may have a limited number of resources to learn from. So the next most important thing to remember is that the root meaning of the word "discipline" is "to teach." You will need a lot of patience, but her behavior will improve to the extent that you teach her at an emotional level that she is loved, and teach her in a practical way how to be more effective in dealing with people and situations.